The Memory Delimma
If you thought I was going to talk about memory challenges - then you re in for a surprise. Today’s topic is about how the available memories of the PTSDer guides post-recovery choices and behavior.
I suppose I should define by what I mean as post-recovery. MY Meaning is simple. In any context when you have untrained your brain to respond to danger signals of past traumas and start responding to the stimuli of the here and now then in that particular context I would say you are in post-recovery. Notice how I frame my definition to be “context” related. Here is an example. I’ve trained my brain to drive without hypervigilance. Before I did that I was like Robocop seeing everything, everybody, every slight detail while driving. That kind of resource sounds valuable doesn’t it? It would be except the mere process of hypervigilance stimulates the entire PTSD grid or by maintaining hypervigilance I activate my PTSD state.
Now I will agree as a driver it’s much safer to be hypervigilant than it is to be vigilant, except for the fact that I might as well be driving down a street in war-torn Bahgdad for all the non-present danger signals I process.
Back to the example. Now I drive with Vigilance. I’ve trained my brain to let driving be something other than fleeing for my life or heading to battle. I’m learning to enjoy seeing the sights as I drive, having a conversation with my wife and even listening to music (I didn’t before because it would decrease my hypervigilance). I remember the first day I achieved this vigilant/non-ptsd state. I almost got in a wreck. For those of you who are reading of course you see yet another delimma besides the one I wish to talk about. “Bruce if you almost got in a wreck DONT YOU NEED YOUR HYPERVIGILANCE?” I pulled out into an intersection a block from my house at a 4 way stop sign. I didn’t check right BECAUSE I’ve always driven with hypervigilance. My body-brain doesn’t know how to drive without it. So I have to practice just driving with vigilance - where I consciously check left and right, front and back while I drive instead of scanning constantly like Robocop. And so the answer to your question I presume is “no”. I just need to get through the growing pains of having transformed the driving context into a post-recovery context.
So memories. When you start to recover in any given context you’ve been so crazy, so functionless for so long YOU JUST WANT TO BE FREE!!! One of the things I noticed myself doing was testing my new freedom. But I didn’t know how. All I had were memories of an entire PTSD Life to guide what to do next. As a result of that I would literally re-energize the PTSD Grid because every memory of what I might do next was shaped in a PTSD state.
Here is an example. One of the challenges I currently face and have faced for about 3 or 4 years now is that my capacity and ability to manage is almost completely gone (or unavailable). About a month ago I was trying to help a daughter and mother manage some teen-age crisis the daughter was having. From the time I began until about 4-5 minutes into the “help” I pretty much had a PTSD meltdown. So one of the ways that I take responsibility for my PTSD is to be very honest and real with myself. Instead of trying to force management, I accept that currently I am a very poor manager. What that means is that instead of insisting that I engergize my ptsd grid by forcing myself to manage, I create a rule for myself in order to heal. I am unable to manage effectively, therefore I am going to take off every managing responsibility or choice that I possibly can.
That day that I tried to help the daughter and mom, I was feeling better. I was feeling free and wanted to demonstrate that freedom to myself by doing what I’ve always done. Trying to fix others instead of myself. In this context I was attempting to manage something and that very choice was contrary to my rule, which looks like “I will not choose to manage new things and will attempt to reduce the management of old things as much as humanly possible.”
So what do we do when we feel better, feel free? I don’t have all the answers and I may never have all of them for you or myself. I suspect that the next step for me is to have a solid plan. I don’t that plan yet, but a consistent program that’s designed to help me uncover the PTSD Grid and recover my sanity and fucntion is essential. If you don’t have a plan or the answer to the above question (like me) then work on getting one.
I’ve been in contact with someone to work with me and my PTSD recovery. I don’t have any news yet to report, but I am taking action toward sanity and healing.
Bruce